you carry me home.

by the way...

2008-09-01T14:31:00.000-07:00

I'm in Venice now.
For tonight (and the following 2 nights) I'm in this great hostel. I highly recommend it for anyone wanting to stay in a little community and meet interesting people.
It's called "A Venice Fish".
Very friendly. Very good location.

I am so tired.

Because this blog has done more evil than good, I've started a new blog.
It's suited specifically for my travels.

www.katiewhitecoat.wordpress.com
Once I become comfortable with the formatting I will post pictures and videos all the time... provided that I'm not actually out being adventurous.

I've been sweating nonstop for 3 days now without a shower.
I won't even tell you the last time I changed my clothes was. Any of them. I think you know what I'm talking about.

Ho bisogno di fare la doccia subito. Ciao.

one week left...

2008-08-17T12:51:00.001-07:00

Those with grace lack propriety.

Those with propriety lack grace.

Y'all gon' make me lose my mind up in here, up in here.

love means not being afraid to call bullshit.

2008-08-15T23:02:00.003-07:00

People don't change.

2008-08-07T00:23:00.002-07:00

When your shady friends from high school resurface, they will still be shady (if not shadier, and better at excusing it).

No matter how many times a girl asks for dating advice, she will never listen to it.

Girls will just about always respond sexually to negative attention.

You definitely know that person who says (after getting out of another long relationship), "I just want to be alone for awhile." They're lying. They're already dating someone else. They're afraid of being alone.

And, for the ladies...
If you're chasing after a boy who has been to Trinity Vineyard church at least 1 time, you need to give up. We need to accept the fact that there is a virtual buffet of attractive women at their disposal. Have we not learned this by now?

no boys allowed.

2008-07-27T22:30:00.000-07:00

In the past months, I've finally realized some of my own poisonous patterns.

I have always been the surrogate girlfriend.

Tonight I ran into someone at Fellini's. I haven't seen him since July 4th of last year, when he stopped by the redneck cookout with his girlfriend to quickly wish me a happy birthday.
At that point, I hadn't seen him since several weeks before I left for Perugia.
He and I had been inseparable for almost a year before that. Never dating, but always (I do mean always) calling, writing, hanging out, giving presents...whatever. The fact that he had so much social anxiety never bothered me, but complicated the rest of my life. I kind of lost contact with everyone else. And those who I was still in contact were growing more tired of me by the second. The only stories I ever told were about him, I was always shifting plans around him, etc.
I won't pretend that I'm very wise or even practical. I went back and forth about having a crush on him and totally despising him. I never brought it up.
Then he got a girlfriend, and I was out.

While I was in Perugia, it really sunk in that I had nothing to come home to. Everyone was on Skype all day with their loved ones, and I had to beg him to set some time aside to talk to me. When I called we talked for all of 2 minutes. It basically went like this:
"I'm really homesick. And I miss you."
-"Katie, I'm not your boyfriend."
That's the moment I started feeling at home in Italy.

When I saw him tonight I gave him a hug, and he kissed me on the arm. We talked casually and quickly about how he had heard that Shawn dropped me like a bad habit, and how he is at a serious crossroads in his relationship.
Then he asked me to call him.
When I told him that I wouldn't, I don't think he understood.
He explained that the screen on his phone is broken, and that he couldn't see my name to call me.
This time I added that I am leaving in a month, and that I would not be calling him.

I've had different versions of "that guy" in my life since I was 14. The only difference is that back then I had the courage to be like, "Ok, so, you're my boyfriend, and I'm your girlfriend... k?"

I'm really not as independent as I seem.

But for the first time in years I don't have "that guy" in my life, and I'm really happy about it.
My mom says that I should be someone's real girlfriend.
She's right. I have plenty of friends already.
I'm really not interested in new guy friends. It's taken long enough, but I know now that it just doesn't work that way.
I'm still not that girl who desperately wants to get married or anything. I mean come on. I'm 22.

Just say "no!" to the friend-zone.

Dear goodness, my self-esteem took a beating last night.

2008-07-22T23:44:00.004-07:00

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: I think I'm a pretty fantastic girl. It's not like I think I'm super good looking, but it actually kind of surprised me to learn that my group of guy friends would take just about any girl on the planet over me.

I learned this by playing one of my favorite little games where you verbally align 2 people, and the other person (people) choose their winner. It's kind of like those little, "Would You Rather..." books... but more like "Who'd You Rather..."
I was the only girl present, and normally I NEVER include myself in the runnings. I know where that goes. But once they asked me which one of them I would take over the other it was on like Donkey Kong.
That was really stupid.

I shouldn't be surprised by these things.
Being a ChaCha guide has taught me one thing: the only thing in the whole world worth talking about must be sex. How frustrating.
(Speaking of which, I sat behind someone in class the other day wearing a fraternity shirt advertising a hunting lodge, which read, "Chasing tail and stuffing beaver since 1905"... that guy is such a virgin!)

I guess the reason that I was surprised is because I thought that people who know me really well would at least like my personality.
I'm consistent, honest, and loyal... and I think that should be sexy.
But we've been indoctrinated by the media.
Me too. I'm not above anything.

Me? I'd take Philip Seymour Hoffman over most.
And Bob Dylan over ANYBODY.

It's ok, guys... I know I'm petty.

holy s***, batman!

2008-07-18T01:48:00.000-07:00

Is it possible to win Best Actor postmortem?
It freaking should be.

Movie of the year.

it all makes so much sense!

2008-07-08T12:03:00.000-07:00

Until now, I've never understood why parents wouldn't let their children go to concerts.
I was always allowed to go, but my friends had trouble getting permission.
Seriously, I've been to, like, a thousand "shows" or "concerts" in my day, and I have never once encountered something that would make me think, "boy, I'm glad my parents don't know about this!"

It occurred to me last Saturday night, while sitting in the Fox Theater just why my generation's parents would be so nervous about allowing their little babies to experience the brutal world of rock and roll...

because they themselves are nuckin futs!

Seriously. They can't hang.
It was exclusively the middle+ aged men and women who were out of their assigned seats, running up and down the isles, drinking excessive amounts of smuggled liquor, screaming, flailing, bumping, "upgrading" themselves to stolen seats...

I've never met a teenager who does that. I mean, they're crappy just because they're teenagers... but at least they keep it to themselves!
Pull yourselves together!

2008-07-01T22:30:00.000-07:00

I'm so over Atlanta that I already miss Venice.
I can see myself coming back and feeling as though I've out-lived the best part of my life.

let's be honest here:

2008-06-26T01:14:00.001-07:00

These last 7 days have been 7 of the worst days of my life.

The only thing on my immediate agenda is Daniel Johnston tomorrow night. Alone.
Couldn't be more appropriate.
The furthest into the future I can see is July 5th.
Tom Waits.

After that... we'll just have to see.

very interesting post, you are...

2008-06-19T23:13:00.001-07:00

Your results:
You are Yoda

Yoda		73%
R2-D2		73%
Obi-Wan Kenobi		71%
Princess Leia		70%
Han Solo		68%
Luke Skywalker		68%
Padme		65%
An Ewok		63%
C-3PO		58%
Jar Jar Binks		56%

Wise and all knowing you are…yes.
Tall, dark, and handsome?
Not so much I'd say.

(This list displays the top 10 results out of a possible 21 characters)

Click here to take the Star Wars Personality Test

uhhh...

2008-06-17T23:06:00.000-07:00

I was just on the phone with a veterinary clinic...

Did anyone here know that cats can get zits?

Seriously. That's just nuts.

unexpected things:

2008-06-12T20:43:00.001-07:00

Atonement is awesome.
Sweeny Todd is awesome.
I biked to and from Octane tonight.
I'm in pain.

okok. i take it back.

2008-06-11T11:11:00.001-07:00

The verbal smack downs at Trinity softball are awesome. I was being sensitive before.
It's really difficult to not be too hard on myself sometimes.
Like, when I was playing sports at a competitive level, I was so emotionally invested in the game that I felt like a complete failure if I struck out, or if I ball got past me, or if I overthrew. And if I didn't feel like a failure, somebody was going to remind me that I should.
Every time I walked somebody last week I felt like I was letting my team down.
And... that's kind of lame.
So, knowing that no one takes this too seriously, I think I can start having fun and getting to know lots of new people.

I also strained my left quadriceps.

I didn't delete my last post because while I may have been over-sensitive, I don't think I was being irrational.
And above all, I meant what I said about feeling abandoned by my friends in the church.
I went through something that was really different for me this past fall, and it kind of blew up in my face. And nobody was there to remind me to show some grace. The whole experience just left me a little duller around the edges than I was before, but with a sharper, meaner whit.

I was on campus just a little bit ago, and a bus was heading in my direction. The front of it said, "JESUS," and I thought to myself, "now that's a little overkill".
When the bus passed by, I read "RescueAtlanta.com" on the back. I've been to this website before. It's something that I had once hoped to become involved in.
Then I realized that I'm much more of a humanitarian than a Christian these days.
I try so hard to be a good "Christian" while maintaining a certain level of cool.
My prayer is to become foolish again.

I'm leaving for Venice in less than 2 months.
I don't know what to do. Sometimes I spontaneously burst into tears.
Not really. But I do get emotional.

maybe she's born with it... maybe it's pms.

2008-06-04T23:50:00.000-07:00

My girls have left the country. Now who's going to eat with me?

Both Tom Waits and Daniel Johnston will be playing in Atlanta within two weeks of each other. How much money am I going to spend? It doesn't matter.

Trinity softball started yesterday. Everything hurts.
I pitched the whole game and then got bulldozed by a 3rd baseman in the last inning.

Let's not tiptoe around this: I got really angry. Like, sinfully angry.
Is it acceptable to talk trash at a church softball game?
Really?
Oh, I guess I forgot why I quit playing sports.
The injuries don't bother me, the practice doesn't bother me... it's the fact that everyone thinks that if they were in someone else's position, they wouldn't make the same mistakes. I decided it was time to quit sports when God asked me to get over myself. I assumed He would ask everyone else to do the same.

And when I originally found out that there would be multiple teams, I said I wouldn't play. Why? Because that inevitably means that there would be an A-squad and a B-squad... and I just think that's sick. I decided to play again when they formed our own league of bunches of teams.
However, there's still an A-squad, and the rest of us are B-squad.

Maybe listening to people talk trash about something as unworthy as pitching is a good thing. It's the most anyone from church has thought about me since I left for Italy this time last year. Wow... as I wrote that, I realized that it's true.

It's a really, tremendously fun time.
You may not believe me, considering the rant above...
But all the things that I'm annoyed with are really just crap.
People will wise up, or I'll just callous myself into not caring.

Man, so much stuff happened in the last month that I'm too over to even talk about: Landlord drama, unlivable stench, dead animals, homelessness, bondage-breaking forgiveness... whatever.

FYI:

2008-05-22T15:02:00.001-07:00

The new Indiana Jones...
WORST MOVIE EVER!!

let's talk about me!!

2008-05-16T00:11:00.000-07:00

There's not much in my life quite more exhilarating than watching a midnight showing of an anticipated movie at Atlantic Station. So, my friends and I took up an entire row of seats tonight to see Prince Caspian. I've never read the Chronicles of Narnia, although I have the entire collection in Italian (sort of pointless, really, since Mr. Lewis was an Englishmun). So, imagine possibly being the only person in the theater without a clue as to how things are going to unravel... fists pumping; butt-cheeks clenched!
Here are my self-centered notes:
1. Hotties.

2. I really, really want to ride a hoarse at full speed.
3. I wonder at the budgetary allowance for body makeup to cover the centaurs' tribal tattoos. They're showing so much skin, it must have cost a fortune!
4. I am more ready than ever to go to REN FEST on Sunday! And yes, that's relevant to the movie.
5. This story captured a lot of what I've been going through lately. Not knowing where the Lion is, or why He would let the world fall by the wayside. Asking questions has always made me feel like a number, but it's nice to know that I've been waiting alongside characters much greater than myself throughout history and fiction. In light of His glory, all is forgiven... or justified... or completely insignificant.
6. I looooooove epic movie soundtracks. Throughout the entire thing I was moved continuously by the swelling of strings, and and the subtle manliness of horns... but sweet goodness... who decided to sneak that last song into the mix? Almost ruined the whole thing for me. This isn't a GAP ad, folks, it's an allegory!
7. We'd all do well to remember the Kingship of Christ.
8. Every time I see any kind of movie with battle scenes... I can't imagine what it must be like to fight like that. I can't say with confidence that I know a single person who would be willing to stare down his or her own bloody mortality to protect the world we live in. I guess I'm speaking exclusively to Americans. Maybe I need braver friends. Maybe we've all lost our nobility. I think we all (I) have a tendency to not look past our (my) immediate interests, and ignore the bigger picture. Heaven forbid we see the giant canvas in a digital world.

K. I'm done with that.

In real people news, I've decided to take the high road by making use of the university gym. It would be easier if I lived on campus... or if GSU actually had a campus. It would also be easier if I weren't too scared to go alone. Or if I had money to park. Either way, my friend Ugo designed a routine for me that should stop my knees from buckling out from under me so often. Even my good knee hasn't been doing the job lately.

Has anyone seen "Yo Gabba Gabba"!? Best show ever. Thanks, little Judah, for showing me. That little baby already has supreme taste.

I'm waking up in a few short hours to try to purchase Tom Waits tickets. They cost a fortune, and I'm not even sure I'll be able to snag one.

Aaaaaaaaand this week in thankfullness... I am thankful not to have a man. I have men... handsome ones!

update:

2008-05-09T23:20:00.001-07:00

Klaus is cute.

I've been making cupcakes from scratch, which is a good deterrent from eating sweets. Seriously.

My roommate has a new boyfriend, and I think they're pretty precious.

I semi-accidentally spray painted my entire left hand black today.

I have officially caught the bouquet at 100% of the weddings I've ever gone to.
My dad said, "welp, it's probably from all that softball."
Which, ironically, is probably the reason that I won't be the next to be married.

TOM FREAKING WAITS is coming to town!!

I saw Radiohead last night. I could watch the baby-raptor dance all day long.

My lady Jessie Donaughy is leaving the USA for 4 months, at the end of which I will be leaving Uncle Sam as well.
I can't believe I'm not going to see my friend for so long.

2008-05-03T21:04:00.002-07:00

I got an e-mail today that I'm expected to write a letter for my little sister's youth group graduation banquet by tonight. It's Saturday, and I have a huuuuuge paper plus an exam on Monday. I don't really know squat about my exam, and the paper has to be written in Italian. But, you know, whatever.
It was actually nice to sit for a while and think about exactly what I would want to tell my little sister before she goes off to college. Plus, I'm honored that she considers me one of the 3 "influential people" in her life.
This is what I wrote to her:

Boodha-face,
I’m so happy that the little caboose is finishing high school. You’re going to love college.
I never really got any instruction as to how this should be written… so I guess it’s time to bestow upon you my worldly wisdom (whether or not anyone asked for it):
1. Be responsible. Don’t let anyone convince you something is a good idea if you have even a hunch that it’s not.
2. Lock your doors. For some reason people haven’t figured out that stealing from dorms is, like, the worst idea ever.
3. If it’s in a red cup, you probably don’t want to drink it. Plus, single-use items are totally wasteful. Respect the earth, and reduce your impact on landfills.
4. Money comes and goes. Don’t let it worry you too much.
5. At the end of each semester, your teachers will assign grades somewhat arbitrarily, and then you’re done with that class forever. So treat your friendships well, because they’re the only real things you’ll take with you after you’ve gotten a silly little degree.
6. Strategically sit by someone cute, but –and I cannot stress this enough- never talk to them. They’re probably stupid, and it will ruin the fun of putting your make-up on before school.
7. “Foot baggers” are rarely as cool as they think they are.
8. You’re probably going to lose touch with people from high school. But that’s ok. We’re just growing up.
9. If you find yourself in a church that has an ATM, heal-toe it out of there. It’s a trap.
10. Campus ministry drama is the worst kind of drama… So, if you choose to become involved in one, show them how to keep it real. You're way above all the fuss.
11. Read for recreation sometimes.
12. I guarantee that someone in your building will have a poster of Gustav Klimt’s “The Kiss” taped up on his or her wall. Call me when you find it. We’ll giggle. I guess that’s not really advice… more like a scavenger hunt.
13. Watch documentaries. Not only are they enlightening, but quoting them makes you sound smart in courtyard conversation.
14. When you're stuck, read a Psalm a few times over.
15. Pride is possibly the easiest, and most destructive of all sins. Live in humility to avoid humiliation. As Woven Hand says, "The world will bow/ the knees will be broken for those who don't know how." Now I'm not a doctor or a scholar... but I'd avoid that if I could.

And, most importantly,
16. Learn to love what God loves.

You are a precious treasure, and I love you very, very much. Congratulations. Now go, therefore, ad change the world.
katie

p.s. i'm funnier than you.

2008-04-26T00:50:00.000-07:00

I had an awful dream last night. One that I've had before, but this time with a new twist...
Once again I was getting married, and as always I knew that I didn't want to. The difference is that this time I went through with it!! The day after I told him I wanted a divorce. Making it an even worse version of my regular nightmare.
Optimism. I has it.

Tonight I sifted through a box of old notebooks/sheet music at my mom's house. Here is what I uncovered:
- That I learned NOTHING in high school.
- That I'm way cool for having composed a string quartet version of Elliot Smith's two waltzes on XO in 11th grade.
- That I must have started pretty early on the whole having-awesome-taste-in-music thing.
- Just how much time I devoted to choral music.
- That Sarah and I once planned a hard core band called xDIExARIAx.
- That I used to think Cornerstone was the coolest thing ever.
- That I was sooooo emo.
- That at one point I wasn't awful at drawing.
- That I start writing in lots of notebooks... but have yet to finish one.
- That I used to have a really good friend named Phillip.

That last one sent me through a loop. I found a letter he had written me some November 20th. I didn't even have to look at the return address. I just know that writing.
We've always lived in different cities, but in the booming years of internet, cell phones, and Napster, he wrapped letters around mix tapes. He was one of the greatest friends I've ever had.
He wrote this particular letter about how God had met with him one morning while visiting me at my parents' house. I was asleep upstairs ("snoring like a bear"). He was so full of faith, and when we would talk about things, they just seemed to make much more sense than they did before.
The last time I ever saw him, we were praying feverously across my kitchen table.

If what people have told me is true, Phillip still writes. He's also still in the business of telling people about music they had never heard of before. He gets paid to do both (as he should).

There are certain things that I think about every day. Phillip and his wife are one of those things.
They'd probably hate to know that.

I did an awful thing to a batch of cupcakes tonight.

reflection.

2008-04-21T22:23:00.002-07:00

Some might say that I've not been my usual self lately. I guess this could be due to the fact that I took the mirror off my wall, and forgot to ask God each day to make me new. I think I fell back into being someone that I don't like.

Yeah. So I'm kind of, like, wallowing in self-pity or something...
But please understand how much I love melodrama:

My mother gave me a scale, which gives me the good fortune of knowing that I'm 20lbs heavier than I was this time last year. No joke.

Despite that, I've come to the realization that I got "dumped" last semester because this guy didn't like my personality. Which is... awesome.

I read some 2 year old emails the other night. I realized what a raving lunatic (stronger language desperately needed) I was to someone.
I couldn't have possibly been more insulting. And so needlessly.
So much so that if I have a soul, I will start crying the next time I see him.
I don't know how this guy could ever believe that I'm truly sorry.

I caught the bouquet at Dave and Tanya Gordon's wedding the other night. It helped that I was one of 3 single women left standing there.
On that note, I had asked almost every available guy that I feel close to to be my "date". They all turned me down! Every one of them.

:edit::Did I forget to mention that I have been lied to more times this past month than I had ever hoped to be?
Did I forget to mention that every instance of untruth was brought forth by card-carrying Christians?

FINAL EXAMS!!!!!

pray for this.

2008-04-05T18:57:00.001-07:00

It's been kind of a mixed month. I've been a bad student. My body is all out of funk. Maybe it's the time of year. This time last year I couldn't even drive myself down the street to school.

My goal is to have this knit before I leave for Italy:

I knocked on my roommate's door the other day. When she opened it I skipped the salutations and asked, "you realize that we're the only two virgins in Atlanta, right?"
She pointed out that there is at least one other. So... at least we're not lonely.

It's almost enough to make me regret not going to a Christian school. I mean, holding down the fort by myself hasn't been a problem, but it gets old when people (even of your own faith) constantly tell you how naïve it is to be so old fashioned.

Yeah, that was awkward... but I just came from a bachelorette party... so I'm feeling liberal. May be deleted in the morning.

spring break 08.

2008-03-04T00:06:00.001-08:00

Spring Break started for me last Thursday. It's been a strange mix.
That night we all played video games before the house show at icanfly. As it turns out, I'm really skilled in the virtual fighting arena. Had no idea.

Friday I went to get my hair done at a salon in Newnan. It wasn't a bad experience... but somehow my hair is back to being darker than it was before I started the process. It's also been trimmed down to an awkward length, and is... you know... falling out.
So, it's getting cut off entirely on Wednesday. I should have done that in the first place.
Then my older sister and I went out for birthday sushi with my dad. On the way we stopped for a beer at a place where dark figures from my past work. It put me in a really strange time-warp.
I don't really talk about my life before I became a Christian. Rest assured that you don't want to hear it.

The fun began when we all went to a cabin in Elijay.
It was nice to sit in the quiet for a while. To enjoy my friends without the distractions of television, cell phones, internet, traffic, school, etc.
It was nice to sit down to eat together around one table.

Spiritually speaking, I'm not in the best place that I've ever been. But I must say that I have a much healthier view on community than I ever have.

Lately I've been hearing a lot of "where have you been?"s. And this is my answer:
I've been living.
Being part of such a growing congregation I feel a little lost, and very bored.

What I love about who I have been spending my time with is that we are not homologous. Some of us are Christians. Some aren't. And with that, we don't all have the same moral compass. We don't all do the same things on Sundays. We don't all want nuclear families. We don't all want to graduate. We don't all go to the same places to drink coffee. We don't all smoke cigarettes. We don't all read the same books.
The only thing we all do together is eat and talk. But we do it transparently.
Despite all of our differences, I've never met a group of people who loved each other so boundlessly. Or people who think that each day should be lived 100% intentionally. Or people who aren't afraid to be alone for a little while. Or to ask and answer tough questions. Or to tell an off-color joke. Or be humiliated every so often.

I think that what I stepped away from was the feeling that I needed to be validated by people I find more interesting, or more influential, than myself.
In a way it's no different than my mom not wanting to leave her monetarily corrupt church because her husband is on the "board of trusties".

The problem with Christians is that we think who we are and what we do is so important.
I'd like it better if I thought that who God is and what God does mattered most.

1, 2, 3, 4.

2008-02-25T22:36:00.004-08:00

my sister got lucky
married a yuppie
took him for all he was worth
now she's a swinger
dating a singer
i can't decide which is worse

but not me baby
i've got you to save me
aw, you're so bad
the best thing i ever had
in a world gone mad
yer so bad

my sister's ex husband
can't get no lovin
walks around dog-faced and hurt
now he's got nothin
head in the oven
i can't decide which is worse

but not me baby
i've got you to save me
aw, you're so bad
the best thing i ever had
in a world gone mad
yer so bad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-tom petty and the heartbreakers

I love being a girl and having girl friends.

my german half...

2008-02-22T18:14:00.000-08:00

"i really think that the low selfesteem of girls is the greatest gift that the corporate world and the media have ever made to men, maybe the only gift too. i wonder if any guy in the world would get action if not all the girls would be totally emotioanlly wrecked and neurotic and would hate their bodies.
a women who realized how beautiful she is, that is a real theat to society."

Ladies and gentemen... ICQ and Raphael Köster.

regularity.

2008-02-22T15:55:00.000-08:00

Just walked into Octane, like I do most days.
Only today I was greeted by 2 baristas with a question/statement:
"So katie... I hear that you have a really funny blog."
Well, what a coincidence... because I just happen to be hilarious.

I actually read over my blog a few nights ago. The whole thing. All 60something angst-filled posts.

I don't love how much I complain. I guess I do because I feel so urgently about change.
Maybe I was harsh in my last post. But I don't feel like I need to justify that. I assume that it speaks for itself.

After losing my stash, I got copies of some of Elliott Smith's discography last night. Oh. XO! I'm listening to it right now. It's like being all alone in high school again.
Some of my favorite bonds have been made over this album.
I mean, this was practically the peanut butter that held the katie culp/brian smith sandwich together back in the day.
I don't care what you guys say. This is happy music.

For the last month and longer there have been 3 things circulating through my mind:
1. Crime.
2. Motherhood, and how that looks for me.
3. This unknown song...
This one time when I was a kid, my family took a little vacation to a cabin in Wisconsin. It was on a complex with lots of other cabins, and a recreational lodge.
In this lodge I played my first game of ping-pong, worked on legos and puzzles, and probably pet a wood bear statue.
There was this group of teenage girls who would hang out there, too. They controlled the jukebox. There was this song that they played over and over again, and I've been trying to find it.
I remember this one specific instance when one of them shouted, "Woo! It's time for the 'You're So Bad' girls!"
I remember the drums, the guitar, the melody, and the timbre of the voices singing. I remember all the grungy, brown-haired girls walking in rhythm, on top of furniture, circling a beam in the center of the room.
They sang,
"You're so bad. You're the best I ever had. Has the world gone mad? You're so bad."
It sounds corny, but I knew that when I grew up I wanted to be just like those girls. They were completely relaxed. They seemed to really understand what it meant to love something they couldn't hold.

I summon the early 90s. What is that song!?

so many things...

2008-02-16T02:43:00.001-08:00

I really don't even know where to begin.

After the snow day, I had one of the worst weeks of my life.
My glasses broke, my car got stuck in the mud, I awoke to a stranger staring through my window (waving at me!), and my car got broken into... twice.
So to summarize, I completely lost both my identity (red hair/big glasses), and then lost my security.

The Lord did wonderful things with that.

The next week was uneventful, on account that I had contracted the flu. On that Friday I went skiing with some friends. It may not have been the best idea... but it was fun.

I watched a documentary that had me weeping. The Corporation.
Since then I have been scheming ways of releasing freedom and dignity back to the citizens of the world.
I am failing.

Maria, Charlie, Adam and I went to see the Thrashers play this past Wednesday. For free. I did a cartwheel in front of a crossing guard.

Yesterday was by far the most fantastic Valentine's Day I could have ever hoped for.
I officially have the most incredible friends.
For one reason or another we decided to dress ourselves in mysterious garb, created by things I had lying in boxes of sewing material. We painted our faces like Native Americans (or the way they are portrayed by Disney) with art supplies and make-up samples left over from younger years.
We ate veggie chili, hummus with pita, salad made of edible flowers, and chocolate cake. We drank sweet tea and lemonade. We played for hours. We sang hits from the 90s. Nathan and I took turns playing songs we had written.
It's been forever since I've been with a group of people who simply enjoy each other.

This is an official shout-out:
icanfly boys and cabbage town girls... you have been the best additions to my life.
The way you all love each other, and the way you all love Klaus... it really touches me. I cannot put into words how special everyone is. How gifted and how considerate. I'm actually trying, and I cannot vocalize it.

This, however, is not so special.
My room mate was driven home tonight after a party by a group of 4 Trinity goers. When they pulled up they realized that her car wasn't there. In fact, it had been stolen.

What strikes me, in not such a tender way, is that she was all alone when she called me.
Yes, it was awful that her car was stolen, but that's almost to be expected. Come to find out, we live in the most criminally active zip code in the southeast.
What's terrible is that in a group of believers, not one person stopped to consider how they could be a blessing to someone else.
I was in a restaurant with Maria and Nathan, who immediately dropped their plans so that I could get home. Not a moment's hesitation. They offered their homes, their energy, their time, etc.

This is me drawing a line in the social sand:
Kris has been right to call us out as the young congregation.

During the holidays I wasn't exactly the perfect example of sobriety or productivity.
That's hard for me to admit, but I wouldn't be honest if I ignored it.
It was a rookie mistake that has been corrected (no thanks to faithful peers encouraging me to "let loose every once in a while").
It's not a party if it happens every night.
I fail to see what's so amusing about stumbling through crowds of people or constantly having the micro-analyze your love life by saying "WHAT DOES THAT MEEEEEAN!?".

It makes me sad that what God intended to gladden the hearts of men and ladies has become a crutch by which we pass off responsibility.

If you're too consumed with your next move of the night to comfort a friend who just had her CAR STOLEN from the front of her home... if you said "oh that suuuuuuuuucks" and drove off... if you left your friend completely alone while knowing how vulnerable she is... you're a bad friend. Period.
Grow up.

recipe for a perfect day:

2008-01-19T22:09:00.000-08:00

10 year old boots
2 pairs of socks
1 pair of stirrup pants
1 pair of blue jeans
1 tank top
1 short sleeve shirt
1 long sleeve shirt
1 hooded sweater
1 pea coat
2 gloves
1 scarf
1 faux fur hat

We'll get back to that.
This week Lauren, Berly, and myself moved into the most perfect house in Atlanta. Beautiful historic streets, skeleton key locks, mail delivery by foot... I cannot think of one single downside.
Lots of people helped us. Lots of strapping young men and women.
Have I ever mentioned how stressful moving is?

We had a house warming/ happy birthday Lauren party last night.
Parties aren't really my thing, but it was quite enjoyable.
Someone went #2 in my toilet and didn't flush. I'm not complaining or anything. Conservation is key.

All of that accumulates to today: the most perfect day of a truly fantastic week. The day that I had set aside for hours and hours of homework.
I arose to a phone call around 11:30 (don't judge... I couldn't sleep last night), inviting me to come sledding in Piedmont Park. "Sledding? In Georgia?" I asked.
I hadn't looked outside yet. Our little city was blanketed in a thin, unfamiliar, and welcomed layer of snow.
If you've been living here for the past 16 years as I have, you know how uncommon this is.
In which case, do you remember the blizzard of '93? Glorious.

I was picked up by my friend Daniel, along with 3 adorable children from Vine City, and driven to the house he and his wife live in. Then we walked roughly a mile (maybe) to the park. We mostly ran in excitement.
Somewhere around 100 people were running up and sliding down this hill in garbage bags, laundry baskets, and cookie sheets.
It didn't even occur to me how ghetto we all are. It was that intoxicating.

The Trinity congregation was ever present. Big thumbs-up.

(+ many)

After a few runs down the hill, things progressed to a Trinity-wide snowball fight at the top. After being hit in both eyes (pictured below)

(um... ouch), a large group of adults surrounded us and waged war. For about an hour we plotted, advanced, and retreated. People that we would normally never stop to talk to became our amiable enemies.
A nicely dressed man walking in solitude under an umbrella, talking on his phone, was assaulted by a dozen of us (not me... I'm not cruel). In a split second he had tucked, rolled, and retaliated using his umbrella as a shield. That was the closest I've ever been to a laugh-cry. He was a champ.

A finely primped newscaster gentleman posed with some children on the hill. They shot a few takes of him pushing the kids on their boogy-boards down the makeshift slope. By that, I mean that they sailed for about a solid foot, and then face planted from the friction.
Then he was assaulted with snowballs. By Trinity. Naturally.

Fast forward to hot chocolate, pajamas, pizza, and nostalgia at Kyle/Blaine/Ian/Casey/Jon's house. Old friends and new neighbors.

In conclusion, we have God to thank. By sending one single inch of snow, He slowed down a hardened city and brought Atlanta together for a day.
And also, by providing Kyle with talent and a camera, this fine day was able to be documented.

surprise.

2008-01-12T09:51:00.000-08:00

from...

to...

when it should look like...

It's a long story:
I read up about the toxicity of red dyes and decided to end the cycle of hair funk. After 4 years. Hardly anyone knows me as a non-red-head.
Against my better judgment, I went to my mom's hairdresser.
I should have turned and ran when she said, "You'll like him, katie. He has holes in his jeans!"

Well, dudebro didn't listen to one single word I said.
Without a word he sat me down and put these nasty blond highlights in my head. Let me clarify: bleach blond zebra stripes on top of a red base. The kind that scream "WHERE'S THE MALL!?"
After breaking down in tears in front of him, he slathered a higher concentrate of bleach all over my head. The suburban moms made passive aggressive remarks to me for questioning the brilliance of such a hip man.
After I asked him to leave my hair the same length, he started snipping away. "I'm just shaping things up," he said. "I'm giving you the illuuuuuuusion of long hair".

Now, it's not so bad...
But the point was to go to my natural hue.
I never wanted to do this again, but now I'm forced to start a whole new cycle.
There were plenty of things I could have done instead. In the long run, now I've probably poisoned my brain far more than I ever did before.
Not to mention that my hair is so brittle that I've been instructed to never touch it again.

This is why I don't do salons. They're so "artistic" that it kills their pride when someone knows what they want. If he had told me that he was going to make me look like a Bratz doll, I wouldn't have had to have my hair done twice in 5 hours.

I'm farther away from where I planned to be. But it's fine.
I'm just a little bummed about being in and of a world obsessed with illusion.

I'll say this: waking up this morning was SHOCKING!

provoked.

2008-01-10T15:31:00.000-08:00

i got hit hard; i'm on the ground.
and if you swing again i'll duck.
and i wish you the best of luck.
you deserve yourself,
and i'll return from my trip to hell
as a headless horseman.

cause, oh, what a loss.
i went back to get my stuff
and it was tangled up and tough.
i stood there and stood you down,
and walked aimlessly around
with a flaming pumpkin head

oh, what a loss.
your soft hands replaced by claws.
you turn me into a stray dog,
from a mighty human man

oh, what a loss.
oh, what a loss.
i miss my closest friend.
and now i cling to rocks and wind.
it's a precious thing we lost.

-The Microphones.

I think we all know that I've never really been one for romance. My fanatical views on chastity and my relational incompetence send me running away from... let's call them pursuers... the moment that intentions turn the slightest shade of pink.
But somehow, about once a year, I commit myself to a truly complicated friendship.
I tend to become supremely attached to these boys. In return, these boys often grow to be rather fond of me in a supremely platonic way. Much like a baby sister. Or a tree.
Things never sour. They never disappoint, and I never change. However, things unfailingly come to a screeching halt when they discover that daylight's wasting, and there are pretty girls all around. I don't know if I'll ever get out of this cycle.

This song always provokes the same memories in me.

Now, I don't think I'm a bad looking lady. I certainly think that I have a pleasant personality.
So, when will you dudes wise up? Seriously.

Sometime soon I'll blog about what is actually consuming my thoughts.
Atlanta, how criminal you are.

Dear Trinity Vineyard musicians,

2007-12-31T12:27:00.001-08:00

The Hymns album is so great.

Dear Cameron (because somehow you're always the first the read and respond to this blog),
'Tis So Sweet gets stuck in my head all the time. Maybe more than I'd like. Joke. I need more!

And in case a Reardon ever reads this... Jen... Go To Dark Gethsemane... you're such a beautiful lady.

Saturday afternoon Kyle and I (mostly Kyle) recorded the instruments for the Ingrid Michealson song "The Way I Am" for my little sister. She will be singing it in a beauty pageant at the end of this month. I can't wait to see it.
Does anyone want to go see her in the Miss Starr's Mill competition with me? I just know that you've been dying to get your glitter fix.

What a talented community.

Happy Christmas.

2007-12-23T10:07:00.000-08:00

I became a Christian when I was 14 -almost 15- years old. Since then, I've had nice thoughts about how we should take care of the planet.

You know, pretending to be environmentally aware isn't nearly as fun as actually walking out the simple steps that everyone can take to care for our brothers and sisters across the globe. It seems so beyond us, but the reality that we can make such subtle differences in our environment has really been transforming me into an optimistic person.

I'm reading this book called, "Serve God, Save the Planet". You probably should, too.

Early this morning, between snooze buttons, I had a pleasant mini-dream.
I was married to someone that I respect.
We planted a tree in the backyard.
As unrealistic as it may have been, it was nice to finally have a dream that didn't end in violence.

Dear Klaus,
Even though you knocked over the Christmas tree, breaking about a dozen ornaments, you have been especially cute lately. Thanks for being nice to my friends. Your ears smell funny, but your fur is so soft that I could cry. I'm really glad that your tiny head is propped up on my arm, but I have to go to the bathroom... so stop being so adorable.
Love forever,
katie.

does this make me a bad person? spoiler alert... this may ruin The Bible for you.

2007-12-13T00:50:00.001-08:00

I fell asleep at like 9:30, and woke back up around 2:30.
All of that to say, I have a bunch of energy and nothing to really do with it at this hour.
So... I'm watching Passion of the Christ... which I've been avoiding since its release. But here I am.

We haven't left the garden of Gethsemane yet, but I mean... I'm already... you know... eh?
This is my critique as a card-carrying Christian. Because I know you care.

First four things that come to mind. Here we go:
1. Who decided to put a bunch of musical theater majors in front of a camera? Tone it down on the drama, guys.
2. I'm quite positive that they filmed the slow-motion parts by actually acting in slow-motion.
3. Lucifer is the creeeeeeeepiest drag queen ever.
4. Who authorized the plucking of Mary Magdalene's eyebrows?

I just read on wikipedia that this movie has the highest grossing soundtrack in the history of all soundtracks.
I'm imagining that some people feel closer to God when they play it over the church loud speakers...?
Or when they tote their Passion of the Christ Bibles in their knitted Bible bags.
I'm actually really curious to find out if those Bibles have the actual scriptures written inside... or the scriptures according to Mel Gibson.

I don't know. Something about all of that is just unsettling to me.

Sarcasm aside:
Judas is doing pretty well as an actor. I feel his guilt. Chapped lips and all. You can actually see a giant cavity in the back of his mouth right before he takes the plunge. That's more like it.
And Pilate is off the chain. He is the only one who doesn't stop every 5 syllables to read the prompt screen.
I had to shrink the screen when the violence would start up. It's helpful to not romanticize Christ's experiences (especially with His death) the way that we so culturally do in America.

All in all, it wasn't a cinematic masterpiece for me.

However, I am thankful for the opportunity to reflect on my Lord.
I was able to experience a lot of truth in the last 2 hours.
I just wish it hadn't been coupled with straight teeth and italian contessas.

I think my eyeballs are going to explode.

you know...

2007-12-10T01:12:00.001-08:00

I really like the feeling of being hungry. I have a comfortable life, and I don't take the opportunity to feel that sensation very often.

It reminds me of all the things I've read or heard about the way we Americans eat. If we're not full, we'll eat.
I mean, that's cool and all... but being hungry won't kill you. I mean... it can... but if you're like me, then it won't.

I haven't always felt this way. Growing up, at least 6 people very close to me suffered from "if-i-can't-see-my-rib-cage-boys-won't-validate-my-existence-disease".
Then I acquired a step-family and learned that there is also an "all-body-mass=fat-maybe-i-could-score-some-pity-action-disease".

So, I've always been a bit of an over-eater. Maybe just to prove that looking good is cool... but tasting good is better.

But a late-night grumbling tummy is a happy tummy.

woooooo...

2007-12-05T20:34:00.000-08:00

The other day I checked my mailbox before I went off to nannying.

I can be pretty single minded, and so when I got to the end of my sidewalk I didn't think twice about vocalizing my thoughts.

I opened the box to find a blockbuster movie (like Netflix) waiting for me. I hadn't checked my que, so I had no idea what it was.

In my most neurotic voice I exclaimed, "oh! What is it? I'm so excited!!!!!!!"

When I turned around my neighbor was walking his dogs behind me.

Kind of like the time I got frustrated with my printer and took it out on Tyra Banks. Screaming, (paraphrased) "Freaking Tyra! You think that you're so much smarter than me!"
Then realizing that my room mate was sleeping in the room next to where my printer is set up... also realizing that my mind makes the strangest connections... and that I watch waaaaaaay too much ANTM and Tyra Show.

When I'm studying abroad this summer and fall I assume that this is how everyone will remember me.
At least I hope so.

technology.

2007-11-17T21:55:00.000-08:00

First of all, I would like to inform you all that I refrained from blogging about truly 2 horrible things that happened. So hooray for not being a bummer...?

This was the official weekend of amazing shows. Friday night, Jens Lekman. What a sweetheart.
Tonight was Joanna Newsom. My FAVORITE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I've come to a place where I can't speak about the things that move me.

I met a dog this week. Oh my goodness. There was this white-yellow, baby, giant schnauzer/retriever that cuddled up to me for about 40 minutes. I don't know what it was... but I fell head over heals for this little thing. I've never felt this way about anything. Not about a boy... not about my family... nothing.
I filled out the papers and was literally seconds away from adopting, when my head caught up to me. I backed out at the last moment, and told them I'd be back the next day. I wasn't. But I came back the day after that. She had been housed. Thank God.
From the moment I met that dog until 2 days later when she was no longer an option I thought of nothing else. I still think about her every few minutes. But it does my heart well to know that God spared me from having care for something else, and she is taken care of.
I wish...

Back to technology:
I break everything. It's my touch.
In the past month my phone broke. They shipped me another one in the mail. The new beauty broke today.
My 3 year old iBook broke. My mom has been letting me use hers. I can feel it crumbling under my fingers.

pull me up, sailor. i'm sinking fast.

2007-11-06T16:57:00.000-08:00

I'm not so sure I love Atlanta, anymore.

I used to worry about irrational things. I've spent my life crippled with anxiety over things like internet perverts, pick-pockets, sickness and failure.

Now I worry all the time about violent things that have happened to my friends. Let's talk about it:

My friend's girlfriend had the sense beaten right out of her, by a perfect stranger, while walking a few blocks back to her home. Pistol whipped, knocked out, kicked on the ground while laying in her own blood. She's chosen to be kind enough to the world by not owning a car, and walking has slapped her right in the face.

A guy from my high school was abducted at GA Tech while being nice enough to give some men directions. Because he had covered his face the whole time, they let him live by making him jump out of their while going 40 mph.

Just found out about my friend Bob being held at gunpoint for a few hours. Fantastic.

Dozens of students get carjacked at GA State every year. Many of whom have to empty their bank accounts for these gentlemen.

And how about the time a strange man followed my room mate home in the middle of the night and camped out in his car outside our house? At which time I called the police who didn't show up for AN HOUR AND A HALF!! And when the lone officer did show up, he spent his time lecturing us about what to do the next time someone is stalking her in the night... which was to... ironically... notify the police... who will do NOTHING for you. They won't even walk around your house with their little flashlights.

Why the hell should we try to extend kindness to anyone?
I understand that Jesus lived his life in danger, and expects us to follow by His example.
I've been told that there is nothing in our lives that the Lord hasn't endured Himself...
He's even been beaten to the edge of His life, and then murdered.
But He knew it was for the glory of God.
What happens today seems so senseless.
And was He ever raped?
Because the fear of that dominates my thoughts every day, and my nightmares each and every single night.

I've become a selfish person, valuing my own life.

oh yay.

2007-11-01T21:06:00.000-07:00

I ran into that guy I from Lazarus Health Day that I blogged about.

His name is John. He hangs out at GSU.

Praise God for giving me the chance to make good on a promise.

only me.

2007-10-21T20:41:00.000-07:00

After a hardy Carvers lunch on Friday afternoon, I opened my mail box and pulled out my water bill.
I hung up on the person who I was speaking to.

My bill was $2,427.20.

How in the world could a girl who showers but once (maybe twice) a week, flushes about once a day, crippled with paranoia about the draught have used this much water?
My bill is generally $11-$30 for crying out loud.

I had my water completely shut off on Friday. Before that I filled up 4 IKEA storage containers with water in our bathrooms so that we could live out of basins. It's pretty cool, actually. Kind of gross, but enlightening. It's good practice for when we RUN OUT OF WATER IN 3 MONTHS!

But seriously, City of Atlanta, I'm finding out that there are lots of people with bad water leaks. I mean, I haven't met anyone else who has 5,000 gallons of water A DAY spilling into the earth under their house... but... any amount sucks. Especially right now.

I'm expecting a news team to show up at my house to blame me for the city's problem. Any day now. This could only happen to the city's filthiest girl.

Shawn and I drove out to some dark place in Marietta before dawn this morning to watch the meteor shower. We saw 3. I think we were facing the wrong direction. It was still really nice.

Oh... and... I did a hip-hop dance class with David and Jessie. It was humiliating. As it turns out, I'm a horrible dancer, and I swore up and down I wouldn't do it again.
But it was nice to actually move around for a change... so I might.

P.S. after learning about how little I shower/flush, I understand if you don't want to stand too close to me. I just can't help my convictions.

fun's over.

2007-10-16T10:54:00.000-07:00

I took it upon myself to dye my roots and hair. What did I do? I got redish/black hair.

I decided not to get my front tooth bleached inside, because I didn't want for my dad to spend $250 on my vanity.
So, today when they put the permanent cap in the back of my tooth, my dentist took it upon himself to "correct" my imperfections without asking.
Did you ever notice that my left front tooth is longer than the right one? Not anymore. D.D.S. robbed me of my favorite natural quirk. Now I have a perfectly symmetrical brown front teeth.
Hey, here's a thought, jackass: why didn't you just botox me? Because I obviously want what everyone else does.

Now I regret everything I've ever done to tamper with what God gave me. I wish I never started dying my hair. I feel terrible about it.
I wish that I were back to a pale, freckled, dirty blond. I feel like such a fake.

Be on Britney watch. I may shave my head.

I've really had the best week.

2007-10-12T20:00:00.000-07:00

In spite of 4 exams, and a root canal, and other biological ailments... I have really had the best week.

I did as well as I could have possibly done on all 4 exams.
I ate at Chinese Budha.
I went to the Farmer's Market.
Shawn mowed my lawn as a surprise... because he's amazing.
I made a really good pitcher of sweet tea.
Klaus has been especially cute.
The Office and 30 Rock were great.
I finally got to watch Heroes with Sam (sad that my list includes tv programs).
The weather got so cold.
I saw Devin.
Sarah and I made horse noises.
I thrifted.
I had a heart-to-heart with Zach. Who I love.
I got my phone replaced for free.
My new nannying job is perfect.
I have an interview with the only place I really want to work at.
I just had a really nice glass of wine with a group of people who make me laugh.
And this weekend Lauren is moving into my room, and I'm moving into the room that Klaus loves best (I will miss you, Courtney).

There are so many things that I'm forgetting.
But life is so good.

the funniest thing.

2007-09-22T17:11:00.000-07:00

Yesterday Jessie and I were walking through the Edgewood shopping center. Walking, walking, minding our own business. Suddenly we stepped over an airvent... and it blew my dress straight over my head. Just like in the movies.

It was probably my favorite moment in the history of my life.

shame.

2007-09-18T20:35:00.000-07:00

I don't know why I choose to be so open on this thing... but bear with me. My life is truly splendid, and I thank the Lord for that. But all of that can be so boring to write about.
In conjunction with that, I've been meeting boatloads of people in the past few weeks. Maybe I'm naïve, but I really feel like I've been able to glimpse into some of their souls, and they're such beautiful creatures.

In conjunction with that, I'll tell you a story:
This past Sunday was "Health Day"* for Lazarus Ministry. It was one of the most touching things I've ever seen.
I was standing with Jason Campbell, talking about nothing in particular, when I was approached by an older man who had just eaten a hardy meal and sang a song for everyone on the karaoke machine. He was very spirited, and checked my name-tag to make sure that I was indeed Katie. He had been tipped-off by a fellow named Rob that I am a monster Tom Waits fan. Then, he launched into this uncanny impression, reciting a monologue from one of Tom's songs. I can't speak for Jason, but I was floored. A few statements were exchanged, and then for some reason we broke away.

Driving to school this morning I was listening to Mule Variations. Track 3, my favorite, "Hold On" started up. I couldn't help thinking of this dude. My heart was weighed down wishing that I had heard this guy's full story.
And so I committed in my mind that if I ever saw this man again, I would stop to talk to him.

And then, naturally, there was a fire drill during my exam. I was standing outside talking to this boy from high school that I hadn't seen in years.
And then that man walked by. By the time I realized that I was still talking to this kid, he had disappeared into the crowd. And I didn't bother looking for him. In a moment I chose to keep this typical jock kid comfortable instead of following through on a promise I had made just hours before. Maybe this guy needed to know that he's remembered. Maybe I needed to talk to someone who is truly interesting. But I didn't.

And I'm really ashamed of it.

*To make another long story short, a few blocks of Ellis Street in downtown Atlanta were blocked off so that we could have a mini-festival with the homeless. They were able to get free health screening, followed by free BBQ, tables to sit and eat while watching their friends sing karaoke, free hair cuts, free nail care, free clothing, and some live performances. It was really a site to behold.

2007-09-15T13:10:00.000-07:00

Driving down North Avenue last night after work, I was sitting at the intersection with Peachtree St. looking at the large church to my left. There is this sort of stone mural with Jesus and a short passage being illuminated by 2 lights shining upward onto them. Just as I started to read the passage, the lights went out.

My heart burned, and I found an analogy.

"Come unto..." I'm sorry, I didn't hear the last part. Come unto what. And how?

I couldn't be more glad that tonight is my last night of work. My new life will be disciplned.

talented.

2007-09-09T20:21:00.000-07:00

So, last night I consulted one of the top chef's at the incredible restaurant I work (soon to be "worked") at to find an easy way to make sweet potatoe casserole from scratch.
I had the sweet potatoes. I pealed them and cut them into halves. I put them on a baking sheet and stuck those bad boys in the oven. I did the fork test. They appeared ready.
I tried to mash them in a bowl with some butter. They weren't ready. I stuck them into a microwave to continue cooking...
I melted the bowl.

So, I will be cooking from cans for a while. No big deal.

School. Is. Stressing. Me. Out.

in a crunch.

2007-08-31T13:04:00.000-07:00

So, because of undesirable situations/ relationships I decided to quit Rathbun's before I found another job. I can take it. No big deal. I'm happy to have to time to study.

Also, apparently they don't respect us enough to give us proper employee meals... because everyone who ate the macaroni and cheese (myself included) yesterday got a nasty case of food poisoning.

ANCHE,

Courtney shall be moving out in October, and the original plan was to be moving out as well... however... I'm having a bit of trouble rounding up some room mates. Also, the one girl who was planning on moving in for sure is now having to wait a bit longer before she can move out of her house. Which is totally understandable.
However, I'm in a bit of a spot. I either need to find somewhere else to live, or someone to take Courtney's place by October...

So, now I need to pray and trust the Lord that everything is going to work out. I'm really not stressed. But maybe I should be.

Your turn: put the pressure on Octane to hire me.
and find a place for me to abide!

best week ever. and a long one.

2007-08-18T23:16:00.000-07:00

So, Monday school starts again. So I spent my last week-and-a-half getting out all of my leftover energy.

What have I been doing, you ask?

Well, as I mentioned before, Jessie and I went to Nashville. We celebrated the birth of our friend Mark, and celebrated living in community with our friends Casey and Phillip, and our other new friends.
And I'll say this: the way in which Casey and Phillip live turned out to be the most inspiring part of the trip. These boys willingly sacrifice their quality of life to be able to give comfort to those around them. One of those boys has a single drawer with about 4 t-shirts, and one pair of shorts to his name.
The house is tiny, with one bedroom that is occupied by a girl with a real job, real responsibilities, and a pretty voice.There is a bunk bed and 3 queen sized mattresses pushed against the walls of the living room. At night, the mattresses are spread through the living room and kitchen, so that those who are in need, or simply enjoying the presence of others, can rest comfortably.
I came home feeling trapped by my possessions. I want to make more room for people.
Since then, I have been letting go of the things that I don't need. It's a sobering process that is taking longer and much more will power than I had hoped.

While in Nashville I saw Daniel Johnston live with Richard Candler, a high school friend who I haven't seen in years. Which.was.sweaty.and.awesome.

Then on Sunday Jessie, Grace, Sarah and I sat around a table talking and sharing a bottle of wine. Then, on a whim, drove out to Canton at 2am to watch the meteor shower from lying on our backs in a giant sandbox. We spoke in Australian accents. We really enjoyed each other that night. It was perfect.

Wednesday morning I woke up early to fly out to Chicago. David Kowalski met me at the train station, and we spent the day walking around downtown. We hung out with Mike, watched some movies at the theater, went to the big silver bean, and ate at McDonalds. By the end of the night I was as tired as I've ever been in my entire life. The following afternoon I rode the train down to the airport, only to find that I couldn't fly directly into Atlanta. I got onto a flight to Cincinatti, then to take a different flight to Atlanta. However, while in my seat, the gate agent informed be that I had to give my seat up for someone (which, in my 21 years of standing-by, has never happened to me). So... I sat there... crying alone in the airport. It was so lame. I didn't have any money, rail tickets, or energy left.
Then my aunt picked me up. And I ended up hanging out with my dad's family that night, and then they drove me back to the airport in the morning. It was my first time being around them without any of my sisters. And it was really fun. They're probably the most emotionally healthy people I've ever met.

Unfortunately, I've been having nightmares about murdering people, being attacked, getting pregnant, etc...
But the days are just so nice.

you guys.

2007-08-08T20:33:00.000-07:00

I'm going to Nashville tomorrow with my new friend Jesse. She has the same tattoo inside her lip as I do. We got them about 6 months apart a few years ago, and found out about it through our mutual friend Mark.
So about a month ago when we were introduced, we both pulled down our bottom lips to display the "PS 63:3"s inside.
"Because Your lovingkindness is better than life, my lips will praise You."

And, in Nashville I will be seeing Daniel Johnston live.

How excited am I? So excited.

Also... someone convince Tony to hire me at Octane.
I need a healthier job.

Thursday:
Happy Birthday Sarah!
Happy Birthday Mark!

Friday:
Happy Birthday Ian!
Happy 21ST Birthday Jordan McBride!!!!!

2007-08-06T00:23:00.001-07:00

I just watched The Devin and Daniel Johnston.
Now at home I'm sitting at home listening to "The Microphones - Recorded Live in Japan" LP that I bought today.
I will never be as brilliant as Daniel Johnston, or Phil Elvrum. It's killing me.

At the end of the movie, we went back and watched the special feature where Daniel Johnston meets Laurie for the first time in 26 years... and I cried.
Imagine that 26 years after his banishment from Florence, Dante was given the chance to tell Beatrice how she inspired him. How he loved her.
And in that meeting she held him and let him kiss her face.

That's what it felt like to watch.

Heaven bless and keep those who have pined. They lived in hell.

guess who:

2007-07-25T09:27:00.000-07:00

questions:
A. has 5 cavities and a dead front tooth.
B. is getting fillings and a root canal next month.

answers:
A. me.
B. me.

i am not sad.

2007-07-21T01:04:00.000-07:00

It's 4am on Saturday. I'm still awake, having realized the pitiful patterns of my life these days, and the overwhelming, and unknown grace of God.

I don't know how to express to you how lazy I've been.
How little effort I've put into my relationship with God.
How I've trivialized the bond that we can have with the Creator.

How I've avoided words like "spiritual" in my everyday conversations.
For months all I've talked about is morality and standards. Both are meaningless.
My community, as a whole, has atrophied.
And why? I can't figure it out.

Coming to terms with my laziness, all that I can think is that I don't deserve to be in God's family.
And then I recall fun sayings like "well, nobody deserves it. You were bought by the blood of Christ. There's nothing you can do to earn it."
But we, who have been bought and are fully aware of that... when we lose our vigor and spend our nights watching television... what of that? When we opt to not talk about our spiritual lives because we know deep down that there's nothing going on. When we choose to be agitated by little things and let them define our entire day.

I don't believe that I ever stopped loving God... but somewhere along the way, I stopped living for Him.

Where does this leave me? How do I hear His voice again?

To those of you who read this and do not subscribe to the Christian religion, I'm sorry if I offended or frightened you. I want to say "you know I'm not one of 'those guys,'" or "what's right for me is right for me"... but I don't know that I believe either of those. And I guess it's dishonest of me to shrug it off as though I do.

what's my age again? - for the record, i have never called myself a blink 182 fan.

2007-07-13T23:15:00.001-07:00

Sitting at my desk, fingernails freshly coated in red, I ponder:
Being 21 really, really sucks.

I now have the freedom, and therefore the obligation, to hang out with my friends at the bars they usually go to.
Wednesday I went to The Local, where some striking young dude asked me to set him up with my friend Sam. Which is both, um, considerate and mature.
And then tonight I went to Estoria, where I stood awkwardly in a circle with 3 girls and one dude, until another dude came along. This brilliant strategy split the group so that the first dude could get up the courage to zero in on the one he really wanted, leaving the other girl and myself to talk to the most boring hippie on the planet. Literally stuck there, talking to this dude about "social networking" as a profession.

When did we start getting younger?

Where did all the uplifting people in my life go? I feel like I used to be a part of this community that supported one another. Now everyone just kind of dodges through and around each other.

In other news, Ratatouille is really good. As is the new Harry Potter.

Also, someone tried to steal my room mate last week. Not as in "hey, I want you to come and pay rent with me". More like, "hey, i'm going to follow you home in the middle of the night and camp outside of your house because the police won't show up for at least an hour" kind of way.
I am extremely dissappointed with the local police department. And I want to move.

Also, do you have a little brother? I want to meet him.

The End Today.

hey guys...

2007-07-04T09:18:00.000-07:00

so I'm 21 now.
Make some fuss.

memory loss.

2007-06-29T21:45:00.000-07:00

Tonight I babysat the Yoder children. However, they were already asleep when I got there. So I read a little, watched some CSI, yada, yada... eventually I dozed off on the couch for literally 5 minutes.

Suddenly, I jerked up, looked to my right, and saw a little blond girl walking around crying "Mommy."

My initial thought was that I was still in Germany... which... alas... remains untrue. And because I thought I was in Germany, I thought this little girl was Emelia. But then I couldn't figure out how Emilia got so vocal, and why she would be speaking english. It wasn't until I reached down to pick her up that I remembered it was Anna, and that I was supposed to be the adult in this situation.
So then I poured her a glass of water, and tucked her back into bed.

A little while later on the drive home, I had to mentally map out the city to remember how to get back. And this is a place that I'm rather comfortable driving to and from. Not very complicated.

I may be losing my marbles.

And if I weren't too scared to walk around my own house alone at night, I'd figure out what in the world smells like straight-up dookie.

The best day of my life:

2007-06-29T13:16:00.000-07:00

my AC just got fixed.

Tonight I won't wake up sweating. Tomorrow I won't wake up sweating. Klaus won't have to find the coldest piece of tile to lay on all day. Now I'll be able to turn the lights on when I wash my face. And sleep with a comfort blakie.

Today I was pulling weeds in my front yard, and 5 minutes later I was soaking with sweat. It felt kinda nice, except that my glasses were sliding down my face, and when I pushed them back up the dirt on my hands became mud in my eyes.

When did Nelly Furtado become the Madonna of this generation?
that. is. bleak.

strange.

2007-06-23T20:45:00.001-07:00

I'm slowly reacquainting myself back to Atlanta. It's not so bad. It's pretty muggy, but entertaining. I never ever thought I'd want to be anywhere other than this city. Not in the slightest.

Went to Ru Sans with a moderately large group of people tonight.
At dinner, discovered that I no longer have a nannying job... from the person who has taken it over.

Stopped by Rathbun's to get my old job back (as they said they wanted me to)... but they are over staffed.

So... I need a job. Kinda bad.

However, my dad gave me an IKEA gift card for my 22nd or 23rd birthday Thursday night*... so I may be able to live off of hotdogs for a while. And slushies.
Don't get me wrong. I'm terribly greatful for it, and it is exactly what I wanted for my birthday. I bought a duvet cover and a filing cabinet to put under my desk.

And our AC is broken again. It's a furnace in here. And not the Joanna Newsom kind. It is most certainly not "full of love that's just and earnest". It's full of sweat that's sticky and icky.

I get to go to church tomorrow for the first time in 6 or 7 weeks. I'm more than a little excited.

AND, Klaus came home to me. He is still the cuddliest cat in the world. And hopefully he will catch the mouse that is still abiding in our kitchen. Or, one day we may discover the two of them spooning under the dishwasher. He's just that loving.

And as soon as I start making money again, I will buy German, French, and Italian computer games. I have a growing obsession with languages.

* I turn 21 on July 4th.

Troy... give me my guitars back!

hey.

2007-06-21T11:23:00.001-07:00

i'm home... and... i've stopped crying.

so let's hang out?

my journey ending...

2007-06-19T12:53:00.000-07:00

Tonight at 3am Raphael and I will begin our long drive to Düsseldorf, where a plane awaits to take me home. I really can't believe that this season of adventure in my life is ending. I feel like I've been gone forever.

But I'm just so glad to have been here at all. To spend time with Raphael and Samantha. To have finally met Johannes, who was only a fictional character to me for the past 4 years. To eat döner.

Yesterday we drove 2 hours north to the city of Groeningen. Now I can say that I've been to the Netherlands. Their grocery stores are like fantasy lands.
And we put coins into a wall, opened a droor, and *poof* - FEBO. Mysteriously creamy fried meat.

I don't really know what else to write. Maybe later.

copied. pasted. myspaceted.

2007-06-17T00:55:00.000-07:00

1. Where is your cell phone?: on Samantha's bed.

2. Your boyfriend/girlfriend? he... uh...

3. Your hair?: faded into a nasty light brown with blonde roots, and bangs that are too long to wear straight and too short to push to the side...!!!!!!!!!!!!

4. Where is your father?: ptc or paris.

6. Your favorite thing to do?: eat delcious foods.

7. Your dream last night?: don't recall, but the night before i had a dream that i was a crazy actress... thanks moulholand drive (sp).

8. Your favorite drink?: gingerale? water? wine? sweet tea.

9. Your dream car?: a smart car... but everyone driving a smart car... so that the hummers wouldn't squoosh us.

10. The room you're in?: Samantha's room... seriously the cutest room i've ever seen. it's like being in anthropologie's brain.

12. Your fears?: see below.

14. Who did you hang out with last night? Samantha, Raphael, and Johannes.

15. What you're not good at?: running.

16. Muffins?: scumptious.

17. One of your wish list items?: speak German.

18. Where did you grow up?: in the A.

19. The last thing you did?: watched an episode of the office.

20. What are you wearing?: flannel pants, american apparel shirt.

23. Your computer?: on Samantha's bed.

24. Your life?: dirty.

25. Your mood?: awake.

26. Missing?: everyone.

27. What are you thinking about right now? i have to go home wednesday.

28. Your car?: actually... i have no idea where it is.

29. Your work?: like it.

30. Your summer?: adventurous.

31. Your relationship status?: quite single.

32. Your favorite color(s): all of them.

33. When is the last time you laughed? a few minutes ago.

34. Last time you cried? when Fletcher Britt Arrowood killed my soul.

35. School? technically i'm still finishing a class.

I'm having a lot of fun in Germany. Seeing Raphael and Samantha is just about the best thing ever. And I've met a few new people who blow my mind as well.
They've been supplying me with the tastiest food.
Remember that time that I gained 10lbs in 6 weeks?
Yeah. That was awesome.
But the food is so good that I will not rest until I've gained 15. I only have a few days left. I can make this happen.

So I'm coming home on Wednesday. I feel really out of touch with everyone, and that makes me really nervous.

Also, on this keyboard, the ''z'' is where the ''y'' is on the computers that I'm used to... and I'm realizing just how much the ''y'' is used in the english language.

hey.

2007-06-14T00:22:00.000-07:00

i'm in germany.

it's really cute.

bad ideas.

2007-06-09T04:37:00.000-07:00

So, it's a wonder to me how Italy isn't the rape capital of the world.

For the first time since I've been here I went out at night with the other students. I didn't plan on drinking, because I had had wine at lunch. But, I decided it was my job to sip my friends' cocktails while they weren't looking so that they wouldn't order more drinks because they were waiting for people to finish theirs. Mistake.

Let's pause from the story for just a minute.

What I like about Perugia:
You walk everywhere.
You can get alcohol in a to-go cup.
Every night and day there are thousands of people hanging out on the stairs in Piazza IV Novembre.
Everything in the world is in the main piazza.
The coolest spots for jazz fans.
Puppies galore. I mean rubbadoos as far as the eye can see.

Unpause.

Everything was fine until the bars closed, and everyone still wanted to dance. So, we went to this club called ''Domus''. By now, I think everyone in the world is completely slammed. There were these 2 old dudes circling my lady friends. I ended up blocking one of them kind of forcefully when they tried to close in on my friend.
Then he grabbed me by the arm and I could have sworn he was going to break my wrist.
He continued yelling, and I ended up walking myself back to the apartment. Alone. Drunkish.
This group of dudes approaches, and the next thing I know one of them has his arm linked in mine, whispering sweet nothings whilest he leadeth me astray. After the ''no.no.no.no.''s weren't clear enough for him, I threw my arms over my head, running away while making a sound comparable to the gentle roarings of a triceratops. When in doubt, freak them out.

So yeah, not a huge fan of drinking. I should have left before Domus. I knew it wasn't my scene. Being in there for the whole 7 minutes that I was, really killed my soul.

Alas, romance, you live in Perugia.

At least I'm ready to leave now.

weekend libero

2007-06-05T13:38:00.000-07:00

I leave Italy in like a week. I'm really sad.

This past weekend 6 friends + me went to San Salvo and Vasto. Just in case you were wondering, I have now swam in the Adriatic Sea. I also have a tan line on my back that looks like the Conferderate flag.

Seriously, I think I've been everywhere.

Only a week until I'm in Germany with the people that I've missed for so long.
And then a week later until I go back to America.

I had an exam today, and I think I did fine... but I got super stressed about it.
I also got sick starting yesterday, but it seems to have passed.

Today 3 friends and I returned to Assisi to pay homage to San Francesco, who we love.

Oh, and I found out yesterday that for 2 years my professor had told other students that I am ''stupid''. Which, for lack of a better word, ''crushed'' me. I suppose I should feel better because I have done rather well here... but I don't, really.

my new favorite...

2007-05-30T13:55:00.000-07:00

saint. Saint Francis. I'm way behind in the knowledge of those who went before me, but I'm feeling a certain closeness to him. Monday I went to Assisi. It was incredible. Saint Francis spent his life wandering through the district of Umbria, where I am at this moment. I can see Assisi from any window.

While walking against the wall leading to his church, we found a teeny tiny baby bird who had nested inside a small stone hole overlooking the building. It was so apropriate.

Today we went to a museum that is in our piazza. Thousands of portrayals of Christ. Each one made me weaker and stronger.

inamorato.

2007-05-30T06:58:00.000-07:00

so... i was awesome today.

there is this music store near the restaurant where we eat lunch every day. i went there today and found ''swordfishtrombone'' which i have been pretty anxious to own. i mean, i found lots of really random albums, including the sufjan stevens christmas album (34€), which i found strange for some reason.

what else does this store have?
a cute-faced store clerk.
it's hard enough to talk to boys in english. my italian was so bad that he just started speaking english right off the bat.
a little fact that i learned from my new amico: apparently tom waits has lots of friends in perugia.
but yeah, i'm now on the guest list for some bar party tonight where aforementioned cute-face is spinning... but i will more than likely not be able to go because i have to be at the train station at 8 tomorrow morning.

so, here's what i need:
i need a list of albums that you want that you can't find in the states.
keep in mind that this city is host to italy's largest jazz festival... so they'll have a really wide variety of jazz music... jason!

impress me.

headless horseman

2007-05-25T03:43:00.000-07:00

So... not going to lie... I've been getting a little sad over here from time to time. I've been afraid of not having anyone to come home to.

Then, know when you finally realize that something is a reality? That happened, too. And now I know that I don't really have anyone to come home. At least in the way that all the other girls on the trip do. I'm the only one who doesn't have to buy calling cards.

Don't get me wrong, I am enjoying myself thoroughly. I kind of don't ever want to come home.
But that doesn't mean that I haven't layed in my bed at night listening to Tom Waits and The Microphones.
Specifically ''Long Way Home'' off of Orphans/Bawlers
And ''Headless Horseman'' off of The Glow Pt. 2

And by the way... if you haven't listened to The Glow Pt. 2... you really should. I just learned that Pitchfork rated it the #1 album of 2001.

madonna.

2007-05-23T12:09:00.000-07:00

i just walked about 2 miles upupuphill from the train station... which wouldn't have been so bad if i hadn't gone into the lake, gotten burned a little, cut both feet open on rocks going into the lake, bled all over the gravel road coming out, worn the worst sandals in the world...

i mean, i survived. i don't know if my face has ever been more red in my entire life. when we got to my friends' apartment i plundged into the sink. head in the bowl. it was like a music video. i am so dirty.
i mean, i'd do it again... i like beating myself up like that.

this weekend some friends and i are going to florence, specifically to see the sites for dante.

i. am. so. tired.

and now i have a direct flickr address.
www.flickr.com/photos/katiewhitecoat

hey samantha... we should talk over the phone about our plans.
how do we do this.
p.s. that was a question, but the shift key on this computer is broken.

La Festa di Ceri

2007-05-16T06:57:00.000-07:00

Ok. Now I can say that everything I've ever done is small potatoes.

Every 15th of May in the city of Gubbio, thousands and thousands of people come to celebrate life, fertility, the Patron Saints, and community. It's this connection to pagan life and the church. Kind of like how Christmas is based on the winter solstace.

We went.

I want to describe every part of it. I took pictures of everything I saw. But really, I just can't. It's not enough.

I don't know how to express the amount of joy that we all felt when the 3 men mounted their posts to build the ceri. How hysterical it was to see them running around the city carrying 800lb monuments. The people dancing, cheering, and singing. The poor musicians who ran through the city wearing white, blowing horns for hours and hours on end.

When the statue of Saint Ubaldo (the Patron Saint of Gubbio) was carried through the streets, thousands of people crowded through, praying and grabbing at his robes. I have a really terrible video of it.
Water everywhere for verility and baptism.
Everyone wears white pants, a red sash around their waste, a blue, yellow, or black shirt (depending on the class of their ancestors), and red bandana around their neck.

I just... I really didn't know what to expect. I've never seen unity like that.

On a less serious note, La Festa di Ceri is kind of a ''coming of age'' tradition for young men. So... it was like... hottie parade.

And also, I'm kind of turning things around as far as class goes. How? I don't really know. One day at lunch I had 2.5 glasses of wine, and started to speak Italian very easily. My professor couldn't believe it. And since then I've improved a little bit every day.

I'm just very excited.

gettin grow'd up.

2007-05-14T07:12:00.000-07:00

So. I'm in Perugia, Italy.

I had a bit of a hard time at first, but I'm kind of falling in love with it.

It really started getting better on Saturday, when two other students, Nikki and Shalomie, and myself decided that we wanted to get out of the city for the night. We wanted to go to Bologna to see Bloc Party. But it was a 2 hour train ride, followed by a €30 ticket, and no where to stay the night. So then we decided to try Firenze. So we packed small bags and bussed to the train station, only to miss the last train of the day by a matter of seconds.
So we sat there thinking, and finally came to the decision to take a bus to Lago Trasimeno. An hour and €3 later we were in Castilione del Lago. The cutest little town in the Italian countryside. Literally a town centered around a castle on a lake.
We had a nice dinner, drank some nice wine, and stayed in a clean room for €25 each. The next day we walked and walked. We tested wine in a local shop, and then walked more. Then we took a feiry to an island in the middle of the lake and walked around it.

We hiked all the way up a dirt road just to see this tiny church built in century XII. It felt like a tiny pilgrimage.

Then we walked forever and ever to get to a train station.

I'm leaving so many things out... it was epic.

By bus, by boat by train, by plane, by foot... I got somewhere.

yikes.

2007-04-29T00:05:00.000-07:00

Last night my feelings got hurt, and in the wee hours of the morning I posted a vent-blog about it.
It wasn't even about me. It was just hating on everyone else for being self-centered.
I'm really praying that no one read it before I was able to delete it.
The sad thing is that it brought out how self-centered I truly am.
And I had indulged the "what about me" attitude that I claim to hate.

It's been deleted.

I am no longer scared about my trip to Italy and then Germany.
I couldn't be more happy about getting out of Atlanta for a while.
As it turns out, there are fewer and fewer people that I will miss.
The people who express the most consistent care for me range in the ages of 5 months to about 9 years of age.
They are the ones who I will wish I could talk to.
They tend to be more transparent with their feelings than the rest of us.

kiddos.

2007-04-09T14:28:00.000-07:00

Yesterday my friend Jen Reardon informed me that her son told her that he missed me. I live approximately 6 houses down from them. I walked over to see them and he told me that he does in fact miss me, and that he loves me.

Margo and Matt Yoder brought their daughter Anna to childcare on Sunday. When Anna got to the door and saw another girl there instead of me, she drew back because she "didn't want a different Katie".

This morning I woke up with my cell phone against my ear (as I sometimes do) and found myself on the receiving end of a phone call from Tara Campbell. She called to tell me that her daughter Kate was in the car singing "I love Katie Culp I love Katie Culp I love Katie Culp".

This is my whole life, and I'm happier for it.

trecento

2007-03-26T21:55:00.000-07:00

Am I the only person who didn't love 300? I'm sorry, the American sitcom died... one-liners should have been burried with them. It was beautiful, but I could do without any of the 46 different cliches.

I've had a really violent weekend. Saturday night I rented and watched The Departed. Tonight I saw 300.

It was also a really cute weekend. Klausse is also a really cute cat.

Hopefully soon I'll have a real bed. I'm looking forward to it.

2007-03-23T00:47:00.000-07:00

I just realized that in the last blog I used the word "beleaver". That would be a cool word if it existed.
That would be a cool mascot! He could travel to Christian schools across the country: The Beleaver Beaver. Turning those former public school misfits into little Christian soldiers. All with the help of his big, beavery tale.

-I'm really tired.

But seriously, I BELIEVE that I'm not so bright. So please, feel free to correct me on my spelling. Always.

Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da...

2007-03-22T23:54:00.000-07:00

has been stuck in my head all day.

A lot has happened. I'll start with what I didn't want to write about on Sunday:
Thursday night I couldn't sleep, and it became clear to me what I was supposed to do. I needed to write my Grandma a letter, telling her that I love her, and thanking her for all the things I took for granted. I knew in that moment that she wouldn't see the next week. I saw her in January. She was healthy enough to insist that my little sister and I slept in her room, while she slept on the couch. The letter sat on my night stand all day Friday, and Saturday I found her address. Sunday I got a call from my Dad. She had a heart attack, and was in the hospital, and that she probably wouldn't make it.
I cried so hard. I don't cry very often anymore, but for a full 4 minutes I was inconsolable. I knew that she was going to die. I had already been told, and yet I didn't move my feet. I assumed that it would take care of itself.
I asked my dad if there was a way I could overnight the letter, but he said that there wasn't time. Later that night he asked me to email it to his sister, which I raced home from church to do. They read it to her Monday morning before they pulled the plug. She died Monday night.

I talked to a few people about it. Most memorably to Lori and Troy. We talked about the conflict of being a beleaver and facing the death of others. I don't like the thought of good people in hell. People that I know. People who just didn't or couldn't know God.

Wednesday I got an EEG. It was, by far, the most metal thing I've ever done. Painless, other than when they flashed a strobe in my face for a full minute. If I wasn't epileptic before then, I am now. I posted some pictures on myspace.

Today I had an MRI, which was a dramatically different experience. I first started to panic when they put the IV in my arm. I got a little shakey, and made an emergency call to Brad. I calmed down, watched the fish in the large salt-water tank, and then changed into my little robe thing. I layed on the table, and the nice woman put my head in a plastic cage-like thing. I started to get teary. And they they clamped the plastic pieces down, making a full cage around my face and chest. I just layed there crying. Not sobbing, but tears running down either side of my face. Nothing I could do about it. We just had to wait until I stopped. The nice lady gave me more ear padding (I'm sensitive to loud noises... and smells), and a towel to cover my eyes.
Once the machine started, I was ok. I was at first freaked out by the noises, but soon found that they had kind of rhythm. I was able to calm myself down by humming out improvised melodies that fit its changing chord structures. I honestly think I could have made Bjork proud. I forgot for a while that I was in a magnetic tube, and became a composer of strange new music.

I've been babysitting for the Everett's, and I think they are the greatest people ever. Rennae called to see how the MRI went, and prayed for me while I was in there. Every single member of that family is considerate, helpful, and has a sort of grace that I pray for. I just thought I'd throw that out there.

AND LASTLY!
Elinor came in the mail today. I just opened her up. My pearly-white Hohner angel. I strapped her on and almost wept for joy. The sound is glorious. The texture of the keys are perfect. I couldn't be more happy about my new accordion. I'm not even sorry that the last one got broken.

--wait, just kidding, not the last thing. Courtney just informed me that we have "the biggest, fattest mouse ever" in our kitchen. YES!

not to be insensitive, but...

2007-03-19T00:15:00.000-07:00

I'll post about Sunday sometime in the near future.

It weighs very heavily on my heart.

But for now:

ATTN: all Germans!

If I hear from you today I will be able to spend some time in your country!

That means YOU, Samantha! Respond to my myspace message! Right meow!

2007-03-13T23:29:00.000-07:00

A family that I babysit for gave me a tv today. My life is over.
They also gave me the tastiest sandwich I may have ever eaten.

On Sunday my friend's 4 year old son asked me how the baby in my stomach is doing. I'm... uh... getting fat again. Sheesh.
Maybe it's because one of the sweet chefs at work made Sam and I quesadillas. And then the Su Chef gave us thin mint ice-cream.

And, the neurologist is pretty certain that my head is ok. It's my heart that will stand on trial in the weeks to come.

hold on.

2007-03-11T21:32:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow (today) I have an appointment with a neurologist. It feels as though I've been to the doctor more times in 2007 than I have in the past 10 years of my life.

I feel sick tonight.

I always wonder when people are going to start taking me seriously.
But this week I realized that I don't take myself seriously. I set out in search of a second childhood, and somehow found it. Now I'm waiting to grow up again. Unfortunately, this time I'm not getting any taller.
I find myself in a childlike disposition.

I say things like, "Man, when is that guy going to ask for my number?"
And I think things like, "I hope he doesn't call me. I'm too young for this."

I need to grow up.

I'm boring myself.

you don't meet nice girls in coffee shops.

2007-03-10T23:19:00.000-08:00

I love Tom Waits. Dare I say, I'm in love at him.

Today I said to myself, "I really really would like to meet Tom Waits." But I realized that if I were to meet him, he would say to himself, "Self, this girl could in no way appreciate what it is that I do. She is decades too young, and takes the time to petty her life with things like red hair-dye and Forever 21 clothing. No, she doesn't understand. I'm insulted."

But he would be wrong. At my tender age I feel as though I've experienced much than the average college student.

And moreover, I know the ways of the diner. I've worked the night shift. I've had my morning regulars. I've known their early-morning desires before they've been uttered. I've poured more cups of coffee than I can recall.
I've been the waitress with Maxwell House eyes, marmalade thighs, and scrambled yellow hair.

What I'm saying is:
Mr. Waits, if you're out there in cyber-space, I pray that someday I can do something to return the joy you've given me.
Something legal... and chaste.

Happy Lent. Suffering indeed.

2007-03-07T19:16:00.000-08:00

I just found the chin-rest to my violin in a pile of sheets on my couch.

I just found my accordion duct taped back together, all the buttons jammed.

I'm very hungry, but I can't keep food in my home because it will be eaten, and not by me.

There is a 90lb dog that has been peeing in my house because nobody lets it out.

I think I'm going to throw up. I honestly may have a seizure.

I've had better.

2007-02-28T10:53:00.000-08:00

Actually, it's been just about the worst 2 days ever.

I've been really sick since Monday.

So yesterday morning while I'm trying to relax and stream Braveheart over the internet, I hear the sound of some jackass banging on the side of my house. Georgia Power guy. Shutting off our power. I then had a 45 second fit of rage, where I slammed the door in Abigail's face (it wasn't intentional, I forgot that she was there), and then screamed at her giant dog for being in my room, then turned around to find 3-year-old Julian also in my room, told him to get out, which made him cry for like 30 minutes. I spent a few hours on the phone trying to access the account, which was only authorized under my sister's name, and then finally was able to pay for it, costing about $250. A few hours later the dude came back and turned it back on. A few hours after that while I was on my way to work Abigail called me because it went off again. Turns out that he did such a bang-up job on it that the breaker outside was loose.
And seriously, I know that I've written GA Power checks for the last few months. My sister, too. So, we're going to have to go through the trouble of proving that. We're not the kind of people to just not pay bills. We certainly have the money.

Then I had to do a million other things before I went to work.
And I just felt so awful at work.
And my mailbox is still broken.
And I'm pulling low Cs in all my classes right now.
And I had a paper to finish for today's class, which I had to email in because...(!!)
This morning I fainted. Yet again. This time in the comfort of my own home, found by Courtney curled up on my teal-green bathroom rug.
And the doctors gave up after determining that I'm not pregnant. Which is... just... genius.

here's the truth:

2007-02-24T22:27:00.000-08:00

The truth is that I'm upset that I wish people would read the blogs that I post (and the ones that I don't have the goods to post), and be as irate as I am. I'm not as upset as I am disapointed.
The truth is that I want to throw tantrums, showing everybody how lonely I get, and how in some way it's your fault.
It's... pretty childish.

The truth is that I always find myself wishing I could instead write something profound about the things that God has revealed to me. Or the ways in which I'm seeing His face.

The last truth: which, of coarse, is that I've been too self centered to worry about the silly things that God wants to show/tell me. I've become so hypersensitive to what everyone around me does and thinks because I'm not at all focused on the things that the Creator of Heaven and earth is whispering.

I'm just tired of my own way. That's all.

never have i ever...

2007-02-24T12:07:00.000-08:00

1. Lied to a guy to make him like me.
2. Lied to a girl about my relationship with a guy.

2 things that, I think, make me a little more honest than everybody you know.

2007-02-20T23:00:00.000-08:00

I'm getting nervous.

In early May I'll leave the country, and won't come home until mid/late June.
I'll spend the majority of my time in the city of Perugia, Italy. I don't really know anyone else who is going on the trip. It's with school. I'll be taking classes that are harder than anything I've ever done. I'll have at least 4 hours of homework a night. I'll be away from the church. Away from children's ministry. Away from the comfort of my incredible friends.

Before or after the courses begin, I may go to Germany to hang out with some people I haven't seen in a long time. Some friends that I miss quite dearly. I think that will be one of the best experiences of my life. I've never set foot in the mother land. I've never seen these friends in their natural habitat.

When I come back, I hope that everyone has a crush on me. It seems to happen sometimes with people who leave the country for a while. Maybe I'm wrong. It's a petty thing to say, but I mean, it's true.

2007-02-17T23:12:00.000-08:00

I spent all day in the car.

I spent hours looking for a place to live.
I was offered a room in my big brother Jesse's house out on Flat Shoals. I want it.

But I want to stay with my girl, Courtney, and so we've decided to re-lease my house on the west side. I wanted to go back east, but it's just not looking like a possibility. Wrong time of year to look for a new home.

I let myself worry about little things. My left eye has been twitching since 6pm. It's now 2am. It's almost cool. It's synced itself up with the radio more than once.

Now that that boring crap is out of the way, I'll start over:

Lately the one thing on my mind has been that I am not who people think I am. I am not a good person. I'm also not who a few others think. I'm not evil, either. I am neither of these, and nowhere in between.
These things are true- I have big glasses, small feet and hands, short legs and a long torso.

These things are also true- I do not always have the best of intentions, and I do not always consider the feelings and imortal souls of others. I am rude and can have a truly foul mouth. When I'm pushed too far I lash back with everything I've withheld since the day we met. I let things fester. I find everyone else's dating paterns utterly repulsive.
None of which are Christ like.
I have no right to think the way I think. I have been freed. Why can I not let these things go?

I really could write about this forever, and wanted to... but I'm so tired, and need to get up in the morning.

Besides, nobody reads this... yet.

and bury this bone. and take this pinecone. to knaw on it later, knawing on the telephone.

2007-02-14T22:47:00.000-08:00

So, I find myself over-blogging on myspace... which is... lame. It's time I find a more appropriate outlet.

I find myself at a new beginning. The way that I should at the start of every day. It's just a cooincidence that I am starting a real "blog" now.
I want to serve my God. I want to see my God.
I don't want to be in school. But I will continue to be until He lays something before me. Not out of laziness. I don't want to be hasty.

It was a moderately good Valentine's Day. I got a little upset in the early evening (for no reason relating to romance, whatsoever). Then Brad and I went to Figo and each payed for our own meal. I filled myself to capacity with mushroom ravioli. Brad stole a rose from the vase at the front and gave it to me outside. I laughed, because we had just made fun of a man for taking one for his date. Brad. What a passionate dude.
Then PALentine's at Shaunna's, which was awesome. I have no idea what we played on wii, but it was the best game ever. I was winded. I need to work out.

I'm getting nervous about moving. My lease is up on April 15 and Courtney and I have nowhere to go.

That's about it for now.