i am not sad.

It's 4am on Saturday. I'm still awake, having realized the pitiful patterns of my life these days, and the overwhelming, and unknown grace of God.

I don't know how to express to you how lazy I've been.
How little effort I've put into my relationship with God.
How I've trivialized the bond that we can have with the Creator.

How I've avoided words like "spiritual" in my everyday conversations.
For months all I've talked about is morality and standards. Both are meaningless.
My community, as a whole, has atrophied.
And why? I can't figure it out.

Coming to terms with my laziness, all that I can think is that I don't deserve to be in God's family.
And then I recall fun sayings like "well, nobody deserves it. You were bought by the blood of Christ. There's nothing you can do to earn it."
But we, who have been bought and are fully aware of that... when we lose our vigor and spend our nights watching television... what of that? When we opt to not talk about our spiritual lives because we know deep down that there's nothing going on. When we choose to be agitated by little things and let them define our entire day.

I don't believe that I ever stopped loving God... but somewhere along the way, I stopped living for Him.

Where does this leave me? How do I hear His voice again?




To those of you who read this and do not subscribe to the Christian religion, I'm sorry if I offended or frightened you. I want to say "you know I'm not one of 'those guys,'" or "what's right for me is right for me"... but I don't know that I believe either of those. And I guess it's dishonest of me to shrug it off as though I do.