no boys allowed.

In the past months, I've finally realized some of my own poisonous patterns.

I have always been the surrogate girlfriend.

Tonight I ran into someone at Fellini's. I haven't seen him since July 4th of last year, when he stopped by the redneck cookout with his girlfriend to quickly wish me a happy birthday.
At that point, I hadn't seen him since several weeks before I left for Perugia.
He and I had been inseparable for almost a year before that. Never dating, but always (I do mean always) calling, writing, hanging out, giving presents...whatever. The fact that he had so much social anxiety never bothered me, but complicated the rest of my life. I kind of lost contact with everyone else. And those who I was still in contact were growing more tired of me by the second. The only stories I ever told were about him, I was always shifting plans around him, etc.
I won't pretend that I'm very wise or even practical. I went back and forth about having a crush on him and totally despising him. I never brought it up.
Then he got a girlfriend, and I was out.

While I was in Perugia, it really sunk in that I had nothing to come home to. Everyone was on Skype all day with their loved ones, and I had to beg him to set some time aside to talk to me. When I called we talked for all of 2 minutes. It basically went like this:
"I'm really homesick. And I miss you."
-"Katie, I'm not your boyfriend."
That's the moment I started feeling at home in Italy.


When I saw him tonight I gave him a hug, and he kissed me on the arm. We talked casually and quickly about how he had heard that Shawn dropped me like a bad habit, and how he is at a serious crossroads in his relationship.
Then he asked me to call him.
When I told him that I wouldn't, I don't think he understood.
He explained that the screen on his phone is broken, and that he couldn't see my name to call me.
This time I added that I am leaving in a month, and that I would not be calling him.

I've had different versions of "that guy" in my life since I was 14. The only difference is that back then I had the courage to be like, "Ok, so, you're my boyfriend, and I'm your girlfriend... k?"

I'm really not as independent as I seem.

But for the first time in years I don't have "that guy" in my life, and I'm really happy about it.
My mom says that I should be someone's real girlfriend.
She's right. I have plenty of friends already.
I'm really not interested in new guy friends. It's taken long enough, but I know now that it just doesn't work that way.
I'm still not that girl who desperately wants to get married or anything. I mean come on. I'm 22.

Just say "no!" to the friend-zone.

Dear goodness, my self-esteem took a beating last night.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: I think I'm a pretty fantastic girl. It's not like I think I'm super good looking, but it actually kind of surprised me to learn that my group of guy friends would take just about any girl on the planet over me.

I learned this by playing one of my favorite little games where you verbally align 2 people, and the other person (people) choose their winner. It's kind of like those little, "Would You Rather..." books... but more like "Who'd You Rather..."
I was the only girl present, and normally I NEVER include myself in the runnings. I know where that goes. But once they asked me which one of them I would take over the other it was on like Donkey Kong.
That was really stupid.


I shouldn't be surprised by these things.
Being a ChaCha guide has taught me one thing: the only thing in the whole world worth talking about must be sex. How frustrating.
(Speaking of which, I sat behind someone in class the other day wearing a fraternity shirt advertising a hunting lodge, which read, "Chasing tail and stuffing beaver since 1905"... that guy is such a virgin!)


I guess the reason that I was surprised is because I thought that people who know me really well would at least like my personality.
I'm consistent, honest, and loyal... and I think that should be sexy.
But we've been indoctrinated by the media.
Me too. I'm not above anything.





Me? I'd take Philip Seymour Hoffman over most.
And Bob Dylan over ANYBODY.


It's ok, guys... I know I'm petty.

holy s***, batman!

Is it possible to win Best Actor postmortem?
It freaking should be.

Movie of the year.

it all makes so much sense!

Until now, I've never understood why parents wouldn't let their children go to concerts.
I was always allowed to go, but my friends had trouble getting permission.
Seriously, I've been to, like, a thousand "shows" or "concerts" in my day, and I have never once encountered something that would make me think, "boy, I'm glad my parents don't know about this!"

It occurred to me last Saturday night, while sitting in the Fox Theater just why my generation's parents would be so nervous about allowing their little babies to experience the brutal world of rock and roll...

because they themselves are nuckin futs!

Seriously. They can't hang.
It was exclusively the middle+ aged men and women who were out of their assigned seats, running up and down the isles, drinking excessive amounts of smuggled liquor, screaming, flailing, bumping, "upgrading" themselves to stolen seats...

I've never met a teenager who does that. I mean, they're crappy just because they're teenagers... but at least they keep it to themselves!
Pull yourselves together!

I'm so over Atlanta that I already miss Venice.
I can see myself coming back and feeling as though I've out-lived the best part of my life.