I've had better.

Actually, it's been just about the worst 2 days ever.

I've been really sick since Monday.

So yesterday morning while I'm trying to relax and stream Braveheart over the internet, I hear the sound of some jackass banging on the side of my house. Georgia Power guy. Shutting off our power. I then had a 45 second fit of rage, where I slammed the door in Abigail's face (it wasn't intentional, I forgot that she was there), and then screamed at her giant dog for being in my room, then turned around to find 3-year-old Julian also in my room, told him to get out, which made him cry for like 30 minutes. I spent a few hours on the phone trying to access the account, which was only authorized under my sister's name, and then finally was able to pay for it, costing about $250. A few hours later the dude came back and turned it back on. A few hours after that while I was on my way to work Abigail called me because it went off again. Turns out that he did such a bang-up job on it that the breaker outside was loose.
And seriously, I know that I've written GA Power checks for the last few months. My sister, too. So, we're going to have to go through the trouble of proving that. We're not the kind of people to just not pay bills. We certainly have the money.

Then I had to do a million other things before I went to work.
And I just felt so awful at work.
And my mailbox is still broken.
And I'm pulling low Cs in all my classes right now.
And I had a paper to finish for today's class, which I had to email in because...(!!)
This morning I fainted. Yet again. This time in the comfort of my own home, found by Courtney curled up on my teal-green bathroom rug.
And the doctors gave up after determining that I'm not pregnant. Which is... just... genius.

here's the truth:

The truth is that I'm upset that I wish people would read the blogs that I post (and the ones that I don't have the goods to post), and be as irate as I am. I'm not as upset as I am disapointed.
The truth is that I want to throw tantrums, showing everybody how lonely I get, and how in some way it's your fault.
It's... pretty childish.

The truth is that I always find myself wishing I could instead write something profound about the things that God has revealed to me. Or the ways in which I'm seeing His face.

The last truth: which, of coarse, is that I've been too self centered to worry about the silly things that God wants to show/tell me. I've become so hypersensitive to what everyone around me does and thinks because I'm not at all focused on the things that the Creator of Heaven and earth is whispering.

I'm just tired of my own way. That's all.

never have i ever...

1. Lied to a guy to make him like me.
2. Lied to a girl about my relationship with a guy.

2 things that, I think, make me a little more honest than everybody you know.

I'm getting nervous.

In early May I'll leave the country, and won't come home until mid/late June.
I'll spend the majority of my time in the city of Perugia, Italy. I don't really know anyone else who is going on the trip. It's with school. I'll be taking classes that are harder than anything I've ever done. I'll have at least 4 hours of homework a night. I'll be away from the church. Away from children's ministry. Away from the comfort of my incredible friends.

Before or after the courses begin, I may go to Germany to hang out with some people I haven't seen in a long time. Some friends that I miss quite dearly. I think that will be one of the best experiences of my life. I've never set foot in the mother land. I've never seen these friends in their natural habitat.

When I come back, I hope that everyone has a crush on me. It seems to happen sometimes with people who leave the country for a while. Maybe I'm wrong. It's a petty thing to say, but I mean, it's true.

I spent all day in the car.

I spent hours looking for a place to live.
I was offered a room in my big brother Jesse's house out on Flat Shoals. I want it.

But I want to stay with my girl, Courtney, and so we've decided to re-lease my house on the west side. I wanted to go back east, but it's just not looking like a possibility. Wrong time of year to look for a new home.

I let myself worry about little things. My left eye has been twitching since 6pm. It's now 2am. It's almost cool. It's synced itself up with the radio more than once.

Now that that boring crap is out of the way, I'll start over:

Lately the one thing on my mind has been that I am not who people think I am. I am not a good person. I'm also not who a few others think. I'm not evil, either. I am neither of these, and nowhere in between.
These things are true- I have big glasses, small feet and hands, short legs and a long torso.

These things are also true- I do not always have the best of intentions, and I do not always consider the feelings and imortal souls of others. I am rude and can have a truly foul mouth. When I'm pushed too far I lash back with everything I've withheld since the day we met. I let things fester. I find everyone else's dating paterns utterly repulsive.
None of which are Christ like.
I have no right to think the way I think. I have been freed. Why can I not let these things go?

I really could write about this forever, and wanted to... but I'm so tired, and need to get up in the morning.

Besides, nobody reads this... yet.

and bury this bone. and take this pinecone. to knaw on it later, knawing on the telephone.

So, I find myself over-blogging on myspace... which is... lame. It's time I find a more appropriate outlet.

I find myself at a new beginning. The way that I should at the start of every day. It's just a cooincidence that I am starting a real "blog" now.
I want to serve my God. I want to see my God.
I don't want to be in school. But I will continue to be until He lays something before me. Not out of laziness. I don't want to be hasty.

It was a moderately good Valentine's Day. I got a little upset in the early evening (for no reason relating to romance, whatsoever). Then Brad and I went to Figo and each payed for our own meal. I filled myself to capacity with mushroom ravioli. Brad stole a rose from the vase at the front and gave it to me outside. I laughed, because we had just made fun of a man for taking one for his date. Brad. What a passionate dude.
Then PALentine's at Shaunna's, which was awesome. I have no idea what we played on wii, but it was the best game ever. I was winded. I need to work out.

I'm getting nervous about moving. My lease is up on April 15 and Courtney and I have nowhere to go.

That's about it for now.