p.s. i'm funnier than you.

I had an awful dream last night. One that I've had before, but this time with a new twist...
Once again I was getting married, and as always I knew that I didn't want to. The difference is that this time I went through with it!! The day after I told him I wanted a divorce. Making it an even worse version of my regular nightmare.
Optimism. I has it.


Tonight I sifted through a box of old notebooks/sheet music at my mom's house. Here is what I uncovered:
- That I learned NOTHING in high school.
- That I'm way cool for having composed a string quartet version of Elliot Smith's two waltzes on XO in 11th grade.
- That I must have started pretty early on the whole having-awesome-taste-in-music thing.
- Just how much time I devoted to choral music.
- That Sarah and I once planned a hard core band called xDIExARIAx.
- That I used to think Cornerstone was the coolest thing ever.
- That I was sooooo emo.
- That at one point I wasn't awful at drawing.
- That I start writing in lots of notebooks... but have yet to finish one.
- That I used to have a really good friend named Phillip.

That last one sent me through a loop. I found a letter he had written me some November 20th. I didn't even have to look at the return address. I just know that writing.
We've always lived in different cities, but in the booming years of internet, cell phones, and Napster, he wrapped letters around mix tapes. He was one of the greatest friends I've ever had.
He wrote this particular letter about how God had met with him one morning while visiting me at my parents' house. I was asleep upstairs ("snoring like a bear"). He was so full of faith, and when we would talk about things, they just seemed to make much more sense than they did before.
The last time I ever saw him, we were praying feverously across my kitchen table.

If what people have told me is true, Phillip still writes. He's also still in the business of telling people about music they had never heard of before. He gets paid to do both (as he should).

There are certain things that I think about every day. Phillip and his wife are one of those things.
They'd probably hate to know that.







I did an awful thing to a batch of cupcakes tonight.

reflection.

Some might say that I've not been my usual self lately. I guess this could be due to the fact that I took the mirror off my wall, and forgot to ask God each day to make me new. I think I fell back into being someone that I don't like.

Yeah. So I'm kind of, like, wallowing in self-pity or something...
But please understand how much I love melodrama:


My mother gave me a scale, which gives me the good fortune of knowing that I'm 20lbs heavier than I was this time last year. No joke.


Despite that, I've come to the realization that I got "dumped" last semester because this guy didn't like my personality. Which is... awesome.


I read some 2 year old emails the other night. I realized what a raving lunatic (stronger language desperately needed) I was to someone.
I couldn't have possibly been more insulting. And so needlessly.
So much so that if I have a soul, I will start crying the next time I see him.
I don't know how this guy could ever believe that I'm truly sorry.


I caught the bouquet at Dave and Tanya Gordon's wedding the other night. It helped that I was one of 3 single women left standing there.
On that note, I had asked almost every available guy that I feel close to to be my "date". They all turned me down! Every one of them.


:edit::Did I forget to mention that I have been lied to more times this past month than I had ever hoped to be?
Did I forget to mention that every instance of untruth was brought forth by card-carrying Christians?



FINAL EXAMS!!!!!

pray for this.

It's been kind of a mixed month. I've been a bad student. My body is all out of funk. Maybe it's the time of year. This time last year I couldn't even drive myself down the street to school.

My goal is to have this knit before I leave for Italy:







I knocked on my roommate's door the other day. When she opened it I skipped the salutations and asked, "you realize that we're the only two virgins in Atlanta, right?"
She pointed out that there is at least one other. So... at least we're not lonely.

It's almost enough to make me regret not going to a Christian school. I mean, holding down the fort by myself hasn't been a problem, but it gets old when people (even of your own faith) constantly tell you how naïve it is to be so old fashioned.



Yeah, that was awkward... but I just came from a bachelorette party... so I'm feeling liberal. May be deleted in the morning.